from the begining of expecting

Lately we have been telling lots of people that we are expecting, and those people are always excited to hear the news. However, I  yearn to share with them how we became to be expecting from when we first found out, because I know they do not understand what it has become to mean to us. So, we would like to elaborate on our experience into parenthood thus far. We want to share because, well, parents always want share about their children, but mostly because we want to give public credit to our God, the God of Jacob, and how he has graced us with this child.

Not long before the news, my wife and I decided to just let the chromosomes fall where they may. Then, with womanly inclination and two negative home pregnancy tests one week apart, my wife went to the clinic to see what could be going on. After some tests, a nurse that was very excited to find that my wife was “trying”, and not “oops” like perhaps most patients, gave her the blessed news that she was pregnant. Although I visited my wife at her lab that day, and noticed a certain sparkle, she didn’t tell me the news until we settled at home that evening. We were shocked, we said “wow”, we hugged and kissed, we smiled, we had a little tear of joy, and we prayed thanksgiving to God. More tests were done and we found out Marian’s hCG (the hormone that indicates pregnancy) levels were rising normally and everything looked normal.

Truth be told, when you find out that you will be a father for the first time it does something to you; there is an instant shift of focus.  I felt myself become less selfish, ready to love and know my child. That little baby was conceived by me, a part of me, and was already my family. It was wonderful.

We went to see an official doctor because that is what you do when you find out you’re pregnant and also there was a certain concern. He met us, and we really liked him. The doctor saw that the last hCG levels were normal and gave us possible causes for our concern, telling us to respond quickly if it got worse. He sent us with a positive yet cautious report, and told us to go to the hospital for our first ultrasound. Looking at the monitor with the black and gray picture, the ultrasound technician showed us the parts of early pregnancy formation and kept referring how small, and hard to measure the baby was. We could neither hear nor see a heartbeat. Later, the doctor called with the latest hCG results which had dropped.  hCG levels are never supposed to drop in a viable pregnancy.  They’re not even supposed to level out until significantly later on.  All data indicated that a miscarriage would occur at any time.  Finally it happened, or my wife thought it happened.  The hope that we had been grasping on to that maybe the Lord would spare this little life was all but gone.

Heartache. We had gained something so lovely that was now going to be gone. New emotions of loss and grief were experienced. Though we had not seen our baby we mourned as if we had lost a family member. Our conversations had pain in them, food was no good, and light tears often turned to deep crying. We spent time praying for comfort. The next week went by slow while we waited for healing.  Some original complications were still unresolved and the doctor wondered if there might be a chance that Marian was additionally experiencing an ectopic pregnancy. Thus, to confirm the miscarriage and determine if an imminent surgery would be necessary, we were advised to have another ultrasound.  Now my concern was not just of the loss, but also for the health of my wife. The mood was solemn as the technician asked why were back as she prepared to put the black and gray picture on the monitor. She flashed up the picture and it was very unexpected when she said, “oh, there’s something, can you see the heartbeat?”. Joy, joy, and rejoice! Grace abounded that very moment (and had before although we didn’t know it).

Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits-who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle’s. The Lord works righteousness and justice for all the oppressed. He made known his ways to Moses, his deeds to the people of Israel: The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse, nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far as the east is from the west, far has he removed our transgressions from us. As a father has compassion on his children, so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him; for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust. As for man, his days are like grass, he flourishes like a flower of the field; the wind blows over it and it is gone, and its place remembers it no more. But from everlasting to everlasting the Lord’s love is with those who fear him, and his righteousness with their children’s children- with those who keep his covenant and remember to obey his precepts. The Lord has established his throne in heaven, and his kingdom rules over all. Praise the Lord, you his angels, you mighty ones who do his bidding, who obey his word. Praise the Lord, all his heavenly hosts, you his servants who do his will. Praise the Lord, all his works everywhere in his dominion. Praise the Lord, O my soul.

Since then it has been some weeks, but during that time our emotions found new highs, new lows, and higher highs. We had another ultrasound, and everything looked normal. We had had another checkup and could hear the baby’s heartbeat on the Doppler.  It would have been much to bear alone. Select few of our family and church knew what we were going through during that time. One person in particular beared through with us in the most appropriate manner. She grieved along side and prayed for us, she was able to know when to check in or give us space when we needed it, she went to great lengths to keep from revealing our vulnerable situation to others, and she was one of the first to rejoice with us after the heartbeat.  Mrs. Murdock gave me new appreciation for the church body that God designed, and while I consider it no chance, I am very fortunate to be apart of it. God knows what He is doing.

Recently Marian and I went in for another checkup. Again the doctor checked the normal things and brought out the Doppler that he used before to monitor the baby’s heartrate. Our hearts sank when he could not find the heartbeat. “Maybe I just cant find it behind the sound of your pulse” the doctor said to Marian, and sent us for an unscheduled ultrasound at the hospital for conformation. Our thoughts turned to what we had been through already, and we prayed again. The answer to our prayer was clear in the room with the black and gray screen.We saw that the baby had grown, had a strong heartbeat, and that the baby is our son.

This child, out of our control, is a gift of grace. We would love to introduce him to you after he is born in December.

Happy Fathers day by the way.